Monday , October 3 2022

Celebrate Jeff Bezos’ big day out to space with a $69 miniature dick rocket

Capitalism is all about fairly distributing wealth based on hard work and personal merit, which is why Jeff Bezos earns in 20 seconds what the median US worker makes in a year. He’s just that much better than you!

Thankfully, Jeff’s also a super sweet guy who’s totally grounded and knows how to use his wealth to help people. For example, he spent billions taking a tourist trip into space on a dick-shaped rocket which I personally found to be very chill. Sure, some people say the trip was a huge vanity project; a colossal pissing-contest between egotistical, morally blind billionaires whose pocket change could save countless human lives with just as much intrinsic value as their own, but to that I say: stop being such a bummer, dude!!

The Blue Origin New Shephard rocket model: yours for $69.99.
Image: Estes model

If, like me, you want to celebrate Mr Bezos’ Big Day Out to Space, then I have just the thing for you: a 1/66th scale model of the New Shephard rocket with a pricetag of $69.99. Yes, that’s right: it’s a miniature dick-rocket that costs $69, which means the noise you can hear right now is the invisible hand of the market making jerk-off motions behind your back.

And okay, so while I’m obviously not personally jazzed by the vast wealth inequalities that Jeff Bezos embodies, I definitely am still a nerd who thinks rockets and space are very cool. And for that reason it’s my duty to point out that Estes Rockets makes all kind of models that you can equip with little ballistic packs and fire into the air, which seems like a very fun way to spend an afternoon. I mean, the rockets even have little parachutes built into the nose-cones that deploy mid-air to float them down safely for god’s sake! That’s brilliant.

The Blue Origin rocket (which we spotted via Gizmodo) costs $69.99 by itself, but you can also pay $109.99 for a full starter set including launch pad, controller, and a pack of single-use engines. The rocket’s coming out November 1st but you can preorder now. It’s almost certainly the nearest you’ll get to going to space like Jeff.

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