Wednesday , September 1 2021

Let's see other tech publications try and rip this off

We ranked iOS 14.7 features by how useful they’d be in space

Apple released its latest iPhone update this week: iOS 14.7. But you know what also happened? Jeff Bezos (AKA dollar store Lex Luther) went into space.

You may think these two things are completely unrelated and, on one hand, you could well be right. On the other, I’ve literally just connected them, proving you irrefutably wrong for all time from this very moment.

Now, I could easily sit here and rank all the new iOS 14.7 features by how much I “like” or “dislike” them, but that’d be the coward’s way out. I’ll save that for next time. Or when I’m hungover.

My mission, nay, calling, is to deliver you the content you’ve been craving like Bezos does piss bottles: judging iOS 14.7 features by how useful they’d be in space.

We’re going to do that with a countdown. Moving from the least useful iOS 14.7 in space, to the most. Strap in, space buds.

5) The least useful iOS 14.7 feature in space: The air quality feature in the Weather app expanding to more countries

Thing is, right, the thing about space, yeah, is that, in outer space, there’s no air, yeah?

4) The ability to merge Apple Cards into a single account

If I’m in space, I know I’ll be making some moonshine up there. That means the next day I’ll be looking to shame order some fast food for breakfast.

Unfortunately space doesn’t have that option. Merging payments cards is useless to me.

But I’m putting this above the iOS 14.7 air quality roll out because you know Bezos will start shipping stuff to space as soon as he can loosen employment laws up there. Gotta put those aliens to work.

3) Support for the MagSafe battery pack

apple magsafe battery pack support iOS 14.7
Like a goddamn Apple-branded facehugger.
apple magsafe battery pack support iOS 14.7

Okay, the MagSafe battery pack is goofy as fuck. I also think it’s pretty useless… on Earth. 

An external battery pack with a cable is more useful when you have gravity as an ally, but up there? In the expanse? With shit floating around like pool poops? That’s when magnetic wireless chargers come into their own.

Thanks for anticipating this need, iOS 14.7

2) Podcast app update

In iOS 14.7, your Podcast library can now be filtered to see all shows, or just the ones you follow. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: the Apple Podcasts app is an embarrassing piece of crap that should be fired deep into space so we never have to see it again.

Firstly, nice connection. Secondly, I feel the same way as you, pal. Honestly, I really do.

But hear me out. Space, right, is dull. I’m talking so boring that you may actually laugh at a Friends episode. There is so little to do in space. This is why podcasts are vital there. It’s relaxing, informative, and help you forget what would happen if you stepped out into that inky abyss.

1) The most useful iOS 14.7 feature in space: Using the Home app to control HomePod timers

homepod on iOS 14.7 with timers
homepod on iOS 14.7 with timers

I love this update. The issue of a HomePod not having a screen (RELEASE ONE WITH A SCREEN) is that it’s tricky to see how long your timers have left. With iOS 14.7, now you can find out that information in the Home app.

But how does this relate to space, you may ask? Let me elucidate.

Picture the scene: an alarm wails. Lights blink red. The ship glows maroon. The smooth and mysterious object you discovered on an abandoned ship and brought onboard has hatched and is now hunting your crew one by one.

Thankfully, you’ve hooked up a small explosive device to you craft. When it detonates, a hole will form, sucking the tentacled demon into the vast bleakness of space. The issue is, you set the timer on a HomePod. You have no idea how long you have to secure and protect yourself from the vacuum.

Well, with iOS 14.7 you will. Just check the Home app, bud.

And that is why I’ve put this as the most useful new feature in iOS 14.7. Apple and iPhone fans are once again united against the terrors of deep space. Good luck vanquishing those space demons!

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